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The Chicken Soup Scandal
By Grahf

I have recently uncovered a most frightening scandal.

When you get sick with a sore throat, headache, stuffed nose, or whatever, what is a common piece of advice you normally hear? "Go eat some chicken soup."

Now, everybody gets sick in their lives. Thus, everyone eventually will eat chicken soup. In fact, more people have eaten chicken soup in history than any other type of soup, mainly because of its ambiguous ability to cure any sickness. Doesn't this sound a bit odd?

In 1869, Ulysses S. Grant was sworn into office as President of the United States. But at the same time, the Campbell Soup Company was formed. It is widely known that Grant was a lover of soups, and saw potential in the soup industry. Still today, the issue over the ties between the American Government and the Campbell Soup Company sparks many heated debates.

The 1932 German election saw the Nazi party gaining 37.3% of the vote, a vast plurality over the other parties. The United States, at that time being a world power both because of its economy in trade and its show of militarism in World War I, felt threatened by yet another Socialist revolution in the form of Nazism. Seeing the effectiveness of surprise bombing attacks, the United States Air Force began to receive abundant funds for research. Coincidentally, the Campbell Soup Company released its successful Chicken Noodle Soup for the first time in 1932. And with Adolf Hitler, a known radical, being promoted to Chancellor of Germany in 1933, the pressure was on.

Vast marketing ploys ensued, one such ploy being a rumor that Chicken Noodle Soup helps you feel better when you're sick. This rumor, making the soup a must-have item, ensured that Chicken Noodle Soup would never lose popularity. That's right, government uses the funds from the popular sales of Chicken Noodle Soup to research their stealth and bomber technology, specifically in Area-51. It's a fool-proof plan.

In the 1960s, with the Cold War on the rise, the government sought to gain more popularity for the Campbell Soup Company in order to boost much-needed funds for research on stealth aerial surveillance. Thus, they contacted artist Andy Warhol.

Through the 1960s, Andy Warhol became more and more famous for his modern art depicting Campbell's Soup cans. He has painted many, many different pieces, varying the type of soup and the style of the art itself. A simple search on Google Images returns dozens upon dozens of pictures of his. When I saw just how many paintings this guy has made, my Bullshit Detector went off. Tomato Soup, Black Bean Soup, Chicken Noodle Soup, Onion Soup, Vegetable Soup, Beef Soup, Green Pea Soup, Pepper Pot Soup, Cream of Mushroom Soup, Consommé Soup; it's all there. The guy paints fucking soup cans for a living. Nobody can live off of that, unless of course, they were secretly paid to do it by the government.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself: "What the hell is this guy smoking? He has no evidence of a relation between the Air Force/Area-51 and the Campbell Soup Company." As it turns out, you are very wrong. I do indeed have evidence, thanks to Russia's 1-meter IKONOS imagery satellite. Crisp, clear pictures of Area-51 have been gathered, and I think you will be stunned by what you see.

Look closely at the sand patterns in the light, top-right region of this satellite picture of Area-51:

If you can't see it, here is the same image enhanced with a stereophonic depth field:

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